*NOTE* This is a text I have written to my dad. We had another fight today. I have not sent this yet because I’m afraid he will blame me or say I am making excuses. I was eventually going to tell him in a letter but I may end up sending this. I want to tell him but every time I try, I choke.
Dad, there is something else I haven’t told you. Remember that night that I went out with my coworkers? I was sexually assaulted that night. I never went to the police because I still work with some of the people involved and I would be bullied at work. I also don’t want them to follow me home and try to break in the house.
It still hurts to talk about it and I have been spending money to try to make that hurt go away. I know it’s not the right thing to do but it’s how I’ve been coping.
My friend admitted to me today that he tried to commit suicide and that he may have taken more pills tonight. He lives in another state so there is no way that I can help him. I have been crying for the last 2 hours and I can’t feel anything except the giant hole in my heart. Please someone make this pain go away…
These posts are becoming more and more intermittent because lately I either haven’t had the time or the motivation to write. My dad is kicking me out and I have 90 days to figure out where to go. My dad still doesn’t have any idea what happened. I’ve tried to tell him, but every time I do, I just choke.
I almost killed myself the other day because I was told that I’m worthless and that this is “tough love”. I’ve been cutting again and it’s getting worse. I can’t seem to stop and I’ve run out of space on my arms without it becoming noticeable. I need to find a new place to start slicing.
Yesterday was a good day. I ran a 5k yesterday and today I felt good for a bit. I was worried about money but I am going to get a payday advance to pay for my bills.
One of my coworkers that was involved just got a new position in the company. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m stuck in this rut because of what happened and he seems to be getting away with being a witness to rape.
I cut myself again today. It helped me relieve some of the tension I was feeling.
I am back to feeling like what happened to me was my fault because I drank too much and dressed like a whore.
My coworkers invited me out for drinks and karaoke but I lied and said that drinking makes me mean. My coworker that sits next to me says that is not what she heard, so that means that someone is talking about it still.
I wonder if he keeps talking like that because he believes the lie or he is doing it to protect his own ass. If people believe that it was my fault that night then it must have been my fault and I was along for it, right?