Sorry I haven’t been writing much, I have been having bad days again and haven’t been feeling up to writing much. I cut again, last week, but it’s healing up. I think I’m going to add a tattoo over my scars to hide the marks.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I saw my rapist today at a gas station I was meeting a friend at because he was bringing money so that I could pay a bill and get back online. It’s like every memory I had from that night all came rushing back at once. I want to cut tonight and have been fighting the urge all night. I’ve had a friend talking to me but she had to get some sleep. I guess it’s gonna be a long night.
I can’t take the day off tomorrow because I have Friday off and it would look like I’m slacking.
I wish I could just get some relief
My friend is okay. He feels guilty though since I was up until 5 am and barely coherent at work today. I told him it’s not his fault. I hope he understands. I think he is beginning to see how much he means to people. I hope he can just keep seeing it.
Yesterday was a good day. I ran a 5k yesterday and today I felt good for a bit. I was worried about money but I am going to get a payday advance to pay for my bills.
One of my coworkers that was involved just got a new position in the company. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m stuck in this rut because of what happened and he seems to be getting away with being a witness to rape.
I cut myself again today. It helped me relieve some of the tension I was feeling.
I am back to feeling like what happened to me was my fault because I drank too much and dressed like a whore.
My coworkers invited me out for drinks and karaoke but I lied and said that drinking makes me mean. My coworker that sits next to me says that is not what she heard, so that means that someone is talking about it still.
I wonder if he keeps talking like that because he believes the lie or he is doing it to protect his own ass. If people believe that it was my fault that night then it must have been my fault and I was along for it, right?
I did something bad today. I had my first cigarette in a year. Smoking has never been much of an addiction to me and i usually only go through about half a pack before I give them away.
I talked to my friend about why I did it and why I seem to have self-destructive tendencies. I told her that I don’t really know but it seems that I take my anger and turn it inwards on myself instead of expressing myself.
I also seem to be able to recognize when I’ve done some thing self-destructive (like cutting or smoking) but only after I’ve done the activity.
I wonder if this may have something to do with my depressed moods lately and my PTSD. Lately I’ve been having trouble wanting to do anything except lay in bed.
Anyway, time to work more
I guess I spoke too soon about the progress I thought I was making. I am feeling anxious again, I can feel the tension in my chest again and I’m going to cut tonight.
I’m trying to stay calm right now but it’s really hard. Even my yarn isn’t helping right now. I can’t focus enough to untangle the giant knot in it. I don’t even want to do basic things on days like today.
Anyway I’ll add more later.