Sorry I haven’t been writing much, I have been having bad days again and haven’t been feeling up to writing much. I cut again, last week, but it’s healing up. I think I’m going to add a tattoo over my scars to hide the marks.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I saw my rapist today at a gas station I was meeting a friend at because he was bringing money so that I could pay a bill and get back online. It’s like every memory I had from that night all came rushing back at once. I want to cut tonight and have been fighting the urge all night. I’ve had a friend talking to me but she had to get some sleep. I guess it’s gonna be a long night.
I can’t take the day off tomorrow because I have Friday off and it would look like I’m slacking.
I wish I could just get some relief
I sent the text to my dad last night while I was at work. My friend had to calm me down on the way home because he called me after work and I went into a full blown panic attack. I talked to my dad when I got home and it went better than I expected. He was actually really supportive.
I started feeling better after talking to him and went grocery shopping. I’m low on money until payday but I don’t think the check will go in before Friday. I bought a lot of of frozen goodies that I know aren’t healthy for me but I also bought some healthy food like blackberries and bagels, add well as much needed supplies like dish soap. I also splurged and bought some bubble bath and ice cream. I found a guilty pleasure in Greek yogurt which I didn’t like the first time I tried it. :3
I was exhausted yesterday because I had a crying episode at work and the panic attack in the car so I crashed at my computer while trying to update my blog. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and my ribs are sore. My friend thinks I’m tired because yesterday was emotionally draining. and sore from tension during the panic attack I went through a breakup and telling my dad.
My boyfriend and I broke up because he didn’t take a job opportunity that would have benefit both of us. He seems too comfortable where he is and I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to take the opportunity to better themselves.
Anyway I actually ate breakfast and this is the first day I haven’t felt panicky or wanted to cut.
My attitude towards stupid people, however, remains the same.
*NOTE* This is a text I have written to my dad. We had another fight today. I have not sent this yet because I’m afraid he will blame me or say I am making excuses. I was eventually going to tell him in a letter but I may end up sending this. I want to tell him but every time I try, I choke.
Dad, there is something else I haven’t told you. Remember that night that I went out with my coworkers? I was sexually assaulted that night. I never went to the police because I still work with some of the people involved and I would be bullied at work. I also don’t want them to follow me home and try to break in the house.
It still hurts to talk about it and I have been spending money to try to make that hurt go away. I know it’s not the right thing to do but it’s how I’ve been coping.
Yesterday was a good day. I ran a 5k yesterday and today I felt good for a bit. I was worried about money but I am going to get a payday advance to pay for my bills.
One of my coworkers that was involved just got a new position in the company. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m stuck in this rut because of what happened and he seems to be getting away with being a witness to rape.
I cut myself again today. It helped me relieve some of the tension I was feeling.
I am back to feeling like what happened to me was my fault because I drank too much and dressed like a whore.
My coworkers invited me out for drinks and karaoke but I lied and said that drinking makes me mean. My coworker that sits next to me says that is not what she heard, so that means that someone is talking about it still.
I wonder if he keeps talking like that because he believes the lie or he is doing it to protect his own ass. If people believe that it was my fault that night then it must have been my fault and I was along for it, right?
The day before yesterday, one of my coworkers mentioned an orgy and the night I was raped which set off a huge panic attack and made me late for my last break. I went to work yesterday and asked to speak to my boss and let her know what happened when I had another episode. I ended up going home early from work and ordered a pizza for dinner. I have to go to work on Saturday and bring in documentation showing I have an anxiety disorder but my boss mentioned maybe doing FMLA. I guess she does care more than she let’s on. Anyway it’s time for bed.