I haven’t been doing so well lately and I’ve had a lot of meh days that aren’t really worth writing about. I haven’t really done much that is worth writing about anyway. It’s always the same schedule of eat, sleep, work, play video games.
My dad is home this weekend. It’s the first time he’s been home since I told him. He asked me about my FMLA paperwork. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow so I plan on taking it with me to get it filled out.
I plan on getting my tattoo this weekend. I should finally have the money to do it. I’m hoping it will help me not feel as aggressive as I have been since I saw him again.
I haven’t been sleeping well. Last night I fell asleep on my friend’s couch and was in bed at midnight but still slept for yen hours. We were up until 4 am the night before but that is normal for me. I know that last night I woke up several times because of nightmares.
I’ll try to write more tomorrow after my appointment.
Sorry I haven’t been writing much, I have been having bad days again and haven’t been feeling up to writing much. I cut again, last week, but it’s healing up. I think I’m going to add a tattoo over my scars to hide the marks.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I saw my rapist today at a gas station I was meeting a friend at because he was bringing money so that I could pay a bill and get back online. It’s like every memory I had from that night all came rushing back at once. I want to cut tonight and have been fighting the urge all night. I’ve had a friend talking to me but she had to get some sleep. I guess it’s gonna be a long night.
I can’t take the day off tomorrow because I have Friday off and it would look like I’m slacking.
I wish I could just get some relief
This is just something to help get through the day. I have this hanging at work as a reminder.
I sent the text to my dad last night while I was at work. My friend had to calm me down on the way home because he called me after work and I went into a full blown panic attack. I talked to my dad when I got home and it went better than I expected. He was actually really supportive.
I started feeling better after talking to him and went grocery shopping. I’m low on money until payday but I don’t think the check will go in before Friday. I bought a lot of of frozen goodies that I know aren’t healthy for me but I also bought some healthy food like blackberries and bagels, add well as much needed supplies like dish soap. I also splurged and bought some bubble bath and ice cream. I found a guilty pleasure in Greek yogurt which I didn’t like the first time I tried it. :3
I was exhausted yesterday because I had a crying episode at work and the panic attack in the car so I crashed at my computer while trying to update my blog. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and my ribs are sore. My friend thinks I’m tired because yesterday was emotionally draining. and sore from tension during the panic attack I went through a breakup and telling my dad.
My boyfriend and I broke up because he didn’t take a job opportunity that would have benefit both of us. He seems too comfortable where he is and I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to take the opportunity to better themselves.
Anyway I actually ate breakfast and this is the first day I haven’t felt panicky or wanted to cut.
My attitude towards stupid people, however, remains the same.
*NOTE* This is a text I have written to my dad. We had another fight today. I have not sent this yet because I’m afraid he will blame me or say I am making excuses. I was eventually going to tell him in a letter but I may end up sending this. I want to tell him but every time I try, I choke.
Dad, there is something else I haven’t told you. Remember that night that I went out with my coworkers? I was sexually assaulted that night. I never went to the police because I still work with some of the people involved and I would be bullied at work. I also don’t want them to follow me home and try to break in the house.
It still hurts to talk about it and I have been spending money to try to make that hurt go away. I know it’s not the right thing to do but it’s how I’ve been coping.