I haven’t been doing so well lately and I’ve had a lot of meh days that aren’t really worth writing about. I haven’t really done much that is worth writing about anyway. It’s always the same schedule of eat, sleep, work, play video games.
My dad is home this weekend. It’s the first time he’s been home since I told him. He asked me about my FMLA paperwork. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow so I plan on taking it with me to get it filled out.
I plan on getting my tattoo this weekend. I should finally have the money to do it. I’m hoping it will help me not feel as aggressive as I have been since I saw him again.
I haven’t been sleeping well. Last night I fell asleep on my friend’s couch and was in bed at midnight but still slept for yen hours. We were up until 4 am the night before but that is normal for me. I know that last night I woke up several times because of nightmares.
I’ll try to write more tomorrow after my appointment.
Sorry I haven’t been writing much, I have been having bad days again and haven’t been feeling up to writing much. I cut again, last week, but it’s healing up. I think I’m going to add a tattoo over my scars to hide the marks.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I saw my rapist today at a gas station I was meeting a friend at because he was bringing money so that I could pay a bill and get back online. It’s like every memory I had from that night all came rushing back at once. I want to cut tonight and have been fighting the urge all night. I’ve had a friend talking to me but she had to get some sleep. I guess it’s gonna be a long night.
I can’t take the day off tomorrow because I have Friday off and it would look like I’m slacking.
I wish I could just get some relief
This is an updated posting of the previous picture. Edited some of the settings and made it move vibrant. Definitely having a love/hate relationship with Photoshop.
My friend is okay. He feels guilty though since I was up until 5 am and barely coherent at work today. I told him it’s not his fault. I hope he understands. I think he is beginning to see how much he means to people. I hope he can just keep seeing it.
These posts are becoming more and more intermittent because lately I either haven’t had the time or the motivation to write. My dad is kicking me out and I have 90 days to figure out where to go. My dad still doesn’t have any idea what happened. I’ve tried to tell him, but every time I do, I just choke.
I almost killed myself the other day because I was told that I’m worthless and that this is “tough love”. I’ve been cutting again and it’s getting worse. I can’t seem to stop and I’ve run out of space on my arms without it becoming noticeable. I need to find a new place to start slicing.
Yesterday was a good day. I ran a 5k yesterday and today I felt good for a bit. I was worried about money but I am going to get a payday advance to pay for my bills.
One of my coworkers that was involved just got a new position in the company. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m stuck in this rut because of what happened and he seems to be getting away with being a witness to rape.
I cut myself again today. It helped me relieve some of the tension I was feeling.
I am back to feeling like what happened to me was my fault because I drank too much and dressed like a whore.
My coworkers invited me out for drinks and karaoke but I lied and said that drinking makes me mean. My coworker that sits next to me says that is not what she heard, so that means that someone is talking about it still.
I wonder if he keeps talking like that because he believes the lie or he is doing it to protect his own ass. If people believe that it was my fault that night then it must have been my fault and I was along for it, right?