Sorry I haven’t been writing much, I have been having bad days again and haven’t been feeling up to writing much. I cut again, last week, but it’s healing up. I think I’m going to add a tattoo over my scars to hide the marks.
I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I saw my rapist today at a gas station I was meeting a friend at because he was bringing money so that I could pay a bill and get back online. It’s like every memory I had from that night all came rushing back at once. I want to cut tonight and have been fighting the urge all night. I’ve had a friend talking to me but she had to get some sleep. I guess it’s gonna be a long night.
I can’t take the day off tomorrow because I have Friday off and it would look like I’m slacking.
I wish I could just get some relief
This is an updated posting of the previous picture. Edited some of the settings and made it move vibrant. Definitely having a love/hate relationship with Photoshop.
This is just something to help get through the day. I have this hanging at work as a reminder.
I have finally decided on getting this as a tattoo. It’s going to be a mix of color and black.
I sent the text to my dad last night while I was at work. My friend had to calm me down on the way home because he called me after work and I went into a full blown panic attack. I talked to my dad when I got home and it went better than I expected. He was actually really supportive.
I started feeling better after talking to him and went grocery shopping. I’m low on money until payday but I don’t think the check will go in before Friday. I bought a lot of of frozen goodies that I know aren’t healthy for me but I also bought some healthy food like blackberries and bagels, add well as much needed supplies like dish soap. I also splurged and bought some bubble bath and ice cream. I found a guilty pleasure in Greek yogurt which I didn’t like the first time I tried it. :3
I was exhausted yesterday because I had a crying episode at work and the panic attack in the car so I crashed at my computer while trying to update my blog. I ended up sleeping for 10 hours and my ribs are sore. My friend thinks I’m tired because yesterday was emotionally draining. and sore from tension during the panic attack I went through a breakup and telling my dad.
My boyfriend and I broke up because he didn’t take a job opportunity that would have benefit both of us. He seems too comfortable where he is and I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to take the opportunity to better themselves.
Anyway I actually ate breakfast and this is the first day I haven’t felt panicky or wanted to cut.
My attitude towards stupid people, however, remains the same.
My friend is okay. He feels guilty though since I was up until 5 am and barely coherent at work today. I told him it’s not his fault. I hope he understands. I think he is beginning to see how much he means to people. I hope he can just keep seeing it.
*NOTE* This is a text I have written to my dad. We had another fight today. I have not sent this yet because I’m afraid he will blame me or say I am making excuses. I was eventually going to tell him in a letter but I may end up sending this. I want to tell him but every time I try, I choke.
Dad, there is something else I haven’t told you. Remember that night that I went out with my coworkers? I was sexually assaulted that night. I never went to the police because I still work with some of the people involved and I would be bullied at work. I also don’t want them to follow me home and try to break in the house.
It still hurts to talk about it and I have been spending money to try to make that hurt go away. I know it’s not the right thing to do but it’s how I’ve been coping.