My friend’s ex that was mad at me decided to put our differences behind us but I’m not sure I’m ready to talk to her. I don’t feel guilty for anything I said to her but I still don’t feel ready to reconcile yet.
The nightmares are back again. They are not the full terror dreams that I’m used to but they are a bit disruptive. Either way, I’m getting more sleep than I’m used to.
I’m rereading Heroin Diaries again. I honestly can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it. It’s probably a good thing that it’s a digital copy because a paperback would be torn to pieces by now from so much love.
It’s a good read, and I think it influenced my writing style into more of a journal entry style. The whole point of these scribbles is a message to victims and self harmers.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Anyway, break is over so time for work.
So this is a list of my known triggers for my anxiety and PTSD. Some probably seem unusual but they are are things I’ve linked to being raped
being alone for extended periods of time
being out alone at night
being alone with an unknown man
going to a male friends house alone/having a male friend come over alone
drinking alcohol in crowded places
going out with coworkers
when other female coworkers are invited out after work (this one is linked to wanting to protect them)
So my busy weekend is over. My dad, my boyfriend, and my mom have all gone home. My dad knows something happened to me but doesn’t know any of the details. My goal is to tell him someday. I may also show him this blog but I want to do it when I’m ready to face down the demons myself.
Until Next Time
This applies in the workplace as well. My rapist got away with the crime because I was afraid of being bullied by my peers. I told my boss because it was beginning to affect my work and it seems like I’m the black sheep on the team because she is friends with some of the people that were there and made me sound like I’m just a whore to protect one of their own.
“When someone attempted to rape me my freshman year, I asked my college, Yale University, for help, but instead I was basically advised to keep quiet. I shouldn’t formally report the assault, I was told. Despite my clear and repeated ‘no’, school administrators cast the whole event as a misunderstanding among friends.
In short, I was told to be a good girl. And for four years, I listened.
Women everywhere are used to being told to accommodate those who wrong us. With family, friends, bosses, and partners, we must always be understanding and flexible, ready to dig deep into our well of second chances and generosity. We must never complain or make trouble.
Our devotion to this image of the good girl particularly infects our responses to survivors of sexual violence. As the media coverage of the Steubenville trial showed, those who seek justice are blamed for overreacting…
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Sometimes it feels like my days are numbered. I doubt I will be going back to work on Monday and I told my boyfriend don’t bother coming out to see me. I hate that I have to fake being happy in front of my family but at least it’s only for 3 days.
I would rather just lock myself away in my room. The urge to cut is stronger than usual today. I think I’m going to go have dinner and go to bed. I have an early day tomorrow.
I talked to my boss and I’m staying for now. It’s funny how she says that she cares about us but is blind when there is something wrong. I know she is supposed to keep it professional but it should be obvious when your employee starts having problems and it gets worse over a week or so.
I was bummed about not running a 7 mile race tomorrow but the further into the day we get, the more my head hurts.
Anyway, I’m on my lunch break now so time to get back to work.